Burnout

Recently I've been feeling the tiring effects of burnout.

Whenever something like this happens I like to drown out my feelings with noise, usually in the form of YouTube videos. I have a sneaking suspicion that that is more common of a response than any one of us would care to admit. It's uncomfortable to marinate in negative feelings and really get to the root of why they're there in the first place. The much easier path is to put the entertainment box in front of our face so that we can forget, even for a moment, that they exist.

Perhaps I'm feeling this way because of the repitition required from daily tasks. The dishes must be done, the dog poop must be picked up, the living room must be cleaned, and I have to shower, and I have to brush my teeth, and I have to put on deoderant. It's an unrelenting barrage of tasks that I have completed hundreds of times. Yet there they are in the back of my mind, waiting to to be completed as I start my day, mocking me with their required completion, lest my quality of life starts to decrease.

Perhaps my feelings are here because I don't think I'm improving. I'm just a fish in a pond, swimming endlessly in a circle. Am I improving at work? Am I becoming a better writer? Am I focusing on the wrong thing? Am I stuck in this house? Am I stuck in this life? Is this what I want? Am I thinking about it too hard? Should I just be grateful to have this pond, with enough room to complete a lap?

Perhaps it's because I wouldn't be feeling this way if I had made different decisions in my life. Maybe Jeremy in a parallel universe who went to trade school to become a plumber isn't feeling burnt out. Maybe he invested in the housing market after it crashed in 2008 and he never has to work again.

Water splashes out of the sink and lands on my face, jolting me back to reality. My mind has wondered far away from my home, stretching into realities that will never be reachable. I look down at the plate in my hands, spaghetti sauce streaking down the length of it and into the sink. The sound of water pouring out of the faucet plays like a dull drone in my head.

I squeeze my eyes shut and shake my head, attempting to pull my mind back from it's trek. It seems to have wondered into some unpleasant thoughts.

As I continue to do the rest of the dishes, my mind wanders again.

Sure, daily tasks can be draining, but doing the dishes is calming in a way. It helps me think about hard problems or digest the events of that day. It's strangely therapeutic that way. Picking up the dog poop lets me know that I have a 4 legged friend that needs my help looking after him. Cleaning the living room reminds me that there are people living in this house that are worth picking up after. And there's nothing quite like the feeling of being clean after stepping out of the shower.

I think about my college classes and how much I've learned and applied from them. I think about how much I've changed and grown in just the last year. I think about how different my priorites were in high school, and how they're going to be different 10 years from now. I think about if I had made different choices, I never would have met my wife or had my son. I think about plumber Jeremy, and how much I would not want to be a plumber. He will never get to experience my life the way I have.

After finishing the dishes, I head to the couch to watch TV. I wonder why my brain decides to head to the places that it does. There's nothing shameful or wrong about feeling tired, or exhausted, or burnt out. Sometimes it's not about needing to make different decisions, or live a different life, or stopping your chores.

Sometimes you just need a break.